John

IUJ!@OP#kl

2005-01-01T00:52:26Z

Ashleigh: Hey.
John: hey super dewd
Ashleigh: ;o
Ashleigh: I'm a super dewd?!?
Ashleigh: Since when?
John: since now!
John: how're you? :D
Ashleigh: I'm alright. Sleep deprived, so if I start talking about animals ignore it.
Ashleigh: You?
John: aww. haha. okay :-P
John: I'm just fucking wonderful.
Ashleigh: Heh. Great.
Ashleigh: How was your christmas.?
John: it was okay.
John: how was yours?
Ashleigh: It was great, I think.
Ashleigh: I got carebears, and a carebear movie.
Ashleigh: How was your day?
John: Key likes carebears. :D
John: It was alright.
John: And yours?
Ashleigh: Yay!
Ashleigh: <#
John: o.O
Ashleigh: *<3
John: <3..
Ashleigh: It was sleep deprived,a nd fun.
John: haha cool.
Ashleigh: I know.
Ashleigh: How are the babies.
John: wonderful
John: ;D
Ashleigh: Good.
Ashleigh: Now, Hold on MO'FO.
Ashleigh: I have to reboot.
Ashleigh signed off at 4:22:21 PM.
Ashleigh signed on at 4:24:49 PM.
Ashleigh: MO'FO, I'm back.
John: welcome back :-*
Ashleigh: Thank you. :-*
John: :D
Ashleigh: Heh. I went gasp, and my sister jumped and was like and I was like "I just got a kiss".
John: haha. who got a kiss?!
John: ::kisses:: :-*
Ashleigh: I got a kiss, again.
Ashleigh: The first time I kissed my finger cause I hurt it.
John: aw :*
John: :-(
John: ::kisses finger too::
John: there.
Ashleigh: ;o Now I got three kisses!
Ashleigh: I'm on a roll today!
John: haha
John: toilet paper roll?
John: :-X
Ashleigh: Haha
Ashleigh: I just licked my sister's chin or something.
Ashleigh: I didnt mean too, though. XD
John: haha
John: :x
John: crazzzy
John: did she lick you baq
John: ?
John wants to directly connect.
Ashleigh is now directly connected.
Ashleigh: No, she peted me, but now she did.
Ashleigh: *petted
John: insert picture here
John: insert picture here
John: insert picture here(some nasty gurl)
Ashleigh: Haha.
John: :]
Ashleigh: Pretty eyes. <3
Ashleigh: Sorry, random.
John: thanks. =P
Ashleigh: Your welcome.
Ashleigh: I like eyes.
John: i like eyes too.
Ashleigh: Haha.
Ashleigh: Eyes= big fetish with me.
John: haha
John: sexual.
Ashleigh: I know.
Ashleigh: Mom brought me Hershery's HUGS, instead of KISSES, she broke my kiss thing. =(
John: :-(
John: ::kisses::
John: there.
John: ;-)
Ashleigh: Whoa, Your giving a whole lot of kisses away today.
John: just to you. :-[
Ashleigh: Whoa baby.
Ashleigh: *gives you some of her kisses, hugs things*
John: ::takes:: :-D:-D
Ashleigh: I have ice cream, too. She broght me a whole bunch of junk for tonight.
Ashleigh: I JUST ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR!!
John: yummm.
John: lets sit and cuddle and watch scary movies and when you scream i will hold you tight
John: k?
Ashleigh: Okay!
John: its a date ;-)
Ashleigh: Okay!
Ashleigh: Date with you. <3
John: :-[
Ashleigh: Shelby almost took my HUGS!
John: aww
John: ::gives you hugs::
John: mean-ol' shelby.
John: i still love you shelby<3 but you're mean :[
Ashleigh: AWH! I GET HUGS.
Ashleigh: Haha.
Ashleigh: I don't think she members you.
Ashleigh: =(
John: how r00d
Ashleigh: I member you!
John: :-D
Ashleigh: I shall never for get you.

duuuuude. i missed her totally.
and im talking to alie right now. shes so awesome. i do believe your soul got owned by these four girls: ashleigh, melanie, lainey, and alie. OHHOHOOHOHOHOHOH ownt.

lainey: sup
me: sup
lainey: nigger
me: wigger
lainey: spigger
me: anigger
lainey: SNIGGER
me: fagxcorewhore.
lainey: OKAY YOU GOT ME
me: THATS RIGHT H00000
lainey: thats gay.
me: i am.
lainey: no the whole h000 shit was gay. so you lose
me: not. i won.
lainey: you lost. shut up, negro. plzkthx.
me: FINE!

and she won. i love her laineyness. ;):P:D
like you know who imiss? i miss chris. that boy could make anyone laugh. he was like perfection to the eyes. ::smootch:: chris i love you. and when you come back online you'd better comment on this post of i will knowkc you out, higga.

MELANIE I LOVE YOU!!
<3

p.s. its a crush. but it could be love. =)

heh. the worst of times.. has finally given up.

2004-07-16T17:58:08Z

It's amazing the things you find out. He was in a "gang". He and a couple people that he worked with all decided to become members of Latin Kings or some fucking bullshit.. They all wore white and greenish/blueish colors. I should've known. He was in trouble... Rival gangs knew they were in it, without them even noticing they were being followed. He and a few friends walked past the Basketball Court and stood on the corner. They thought they were being smart. It turns out, a few lives were ended. Blood was shed. He was still alive, after all, he was invincable.. They hated it. He witnessed deaths and nothing still mattered. He knew was he got himself into, he knew everything about it. He'd read up on it.
They drove past our house the next day, he recognized them and ran outside.. Knife in his pocket, gun in his shoe. I don't know where he got them, or why he even fucking wanted them.. I soon found out. He walked down the street, and shots were fired.. His gun still in his shoe, and knife in his pocket.. He wasn't hurt, it seemed. He never wore a vest, didn't own one. It was something they made you earn. They loved to see you in pain, and to see you suffer.
He smiled, as the car slowly came to a hault. He quickly reached into his pocket, pulling out the shiny butterfly knife, and another one with his other hand.. this one being a small dagger. Still not fully out of his pockets, a man walks toward him and he swiftly pulls the knife out, and stabs the man twice in the lower abdomen.. Another man gets out of the car, without the young man noticing. Sneaks up on him from behind.. And slowly cocks his hand-held, and puts it to the young man's neck. He silently laughed a bit, and pulled the trigger.. and cocked it again, just in time to shoot him again as he fell to the ground on top of the man's friend.. whom the boy stabbed, and killed..

I've learned that with life, comes responsibility, and resposibility means knowing when to tell and when to watch in amazement and when to hate. This was the first for me. I witnessed two deaths in the past, and more than I could've imagined. I saw more people go through so much pain, only to stand and watch my brother die. I knew that if I ran to him, to save him, I'd be dead too. I can't do that to my three babies. Their lives depend on me, and I depend on them.. I witnessed another death today.. My brothers.. He was shot, four times. Once to the back of the neck, once in the lower back, again in the middle back, and near his right shoulder blade. His blood all over the concrete, I saw his attacker.. but the police will ask questions.. I can't let them know. I looked up to him.. In my heart, this is what suicide is.. Joining a gang, and getting killed. That's not how it's supposed to be..

I hate you, God. I hate you for taking everything, and everyone from me. I don't know what I've done to deserve it this time, but I'm sure it wasn't as horrible as you make it out to be. I hate you, God. I hate you.

-John

his_energy @ 2004-07-05T23:55:00

2004-07-06T04:55:09Z

i love delainey: so what do you think about us taking the kids for your birthday?
Li0niC: I think you're insane.
i love delainey: :-(
i love delainey: You could use a few extra hours of sleep.
Li0niC: Nope.
Li0niC: :-)
Li0niC: I'm okay
i love delainey: Okay. :-)
i love delainey: If you ever need help, we're there. :-):-)
Li0niC: :-):-)
Li0niC: You just want to steal my kids. :-):-)
i love delainey: Lol, no!
i love delainey: We're going to have some of ours someday.
i love delainey: Just want to help out. :-)

I look in their eyes, and I find home.

2004-07-01T19:36:15Z

I walk back to the same room.. where I lost my children. Sit in my place.. and watch them walk in after me. I finally see their big eyes.. shining so bright. Somehow I can't help but notice that their mother is crying. Tears filled her eyes. I knew she wasn't hurt, she just knew she lost this fight. After tonight, there's no way we can go to court for the same reason, again. The judge walks in.

Ballif- All rise.
the court stands.
Judge- Be seated.
The way this judge looked at me, signaled a sigh of relief. She felt I was the better person in this thing.. and just the fact that I wanted them so bad to appeal.. She knew in her heart, and mine, that I was the most fit parent.
Judge- In case 194, we found in favor of the defendant. John Taurent, you've recieved all rights over Amber and Anthony. In no way can Tanya get custody of them again. She may file complaints, and she may want to see them. It's up to you if you want her in their lives. Congradulations.

Tears ran down my face, and I felt nothing but pleasure and reassurance. My life is going to be normal again, I told myself. I finally know what it's like to be a father. They let Key and Cash out.. and I ran to them with open arms. I held them there for at least 10 minutes. Kissing their heads, hugging them tight. Key giggled some.
I whispered, "You know daddy will never leave you alone again.. I love you." Cash kissed my nose.. and I cried more. I've got my children back..

Chris, Delaine, Melanie, Ashleigh, and Alie - Thanks for hoping for the best, and helping me get my children back. My testomony was diffrent. I proved something to everyone in that court room today.. I proved that without or without Key and Cash that I've got stability.. but I needed them more than ever, especially in the state I've been in. Thanks to you guys, for keeping me occupied, and aware of life.. I've got my kids back. I love you all. <3

-John

When you say it, please mean it.

2004-07-01T04:49:20Z

Tiny -- I've found a way to put my words, through Delaine. She helped me a lot through these past few years. She's never really let me down. Delaine has always had a way to put everything she feels down in words, and mostly make stories out of it. So, I try to do it.. and when I need, I just ask for her help.

I scream at the top of my lungs, hoping someone will hear me. Save me, and carry me home. I'm too strong to do that. I'll just wait it out, hoping it never ends up this way again. It's insperational to know that someone is looking out for you. Trying their hardest to let you know that they care.

I'm going to a diffrent judge tomorrow, hopefully one with a brain and one that will give me custody of the twins. It would be wonderful just to hold their hands again. They are my kids.. =)

Delaine, Melanie, Chris, Christine, and Alexandria -- Thanks for making this whole thing easier for me. Even if I don't get the twins back, I'll still have you guys, I hope. =P

-John

here I am again

2004-06-30T04:44:42Z

I saw her bright red cheeks, and her warm blue eyes. Her tiny little hands, wrapped around mine. His itty bitty toes wiggling late at night, hoping soon they'd be warm, snuggled tight. His tiny green eyes staring blankly at what could still be his home. He's so smart.. She's so odd. Their eyes lock on me. Fixated they hurry around my ankles and slowly sit on my feet. Hoping I walk around and carry them, still in place..

They kept their eyes on me. Every move I made, they'd follow me.. Every breath I took, they would inhale and exhale the exact same way. They'd catch on to what I was doing, until I told them no. Going on little walks to keep them balanced.. Fed them when they were hungry, and bathed them once daily. Baby powder and baby lotion, I kept it by my bed. Baby shampoo for their sweet little heads.. I knew what I was doing.. I knew their soft spots.. and where their teeth were growing in. I knew every move they were going to make.. and what would happen when they made it. I never corrected them, hoping they'd learn from mistakes..

-John

I'm banned from seeing my kids. Wtf.

2004-06-29T18:20:26Z

I lost everything the other day. It's fucking amazing. My children slowly.. painfully taken away from me.

I saw in the judges eyes, that they were no longer mine. My heart broke in two, possibly four. My whole life.. flashed before my eyes.. and finally the judge sighed,
"Tanya Nibret, you've shown your true colors. You're so young, and you're fighting for your children. You've been awarded with them. And, John, you're no longer allowed to even visit them. You're an unfit parent. You're not to go near them, or the police will be contacted and you'll be arrested."
She took their hands, one of their hands in each of hers. Tears running down their soft, flushed cheeks. She turned back, and cheerfully smiled at me. I wanted to rip out her heart.. like she done mine. My body shook.. I couldn't breathe. They finally walked out of the huge brownish doors.. and into a long hall way.. I ran after them.. fifteen minutes later.. I wanted to see them for one last time. I wanted to hold their faces in my hands.. and wipe away their tears, the ones I knew they were crying. In all of this, how the hell am I the unfit parent? She ran off, without them. Not even wanting to deal with them. She took off without a trace. No one even knew where she was going.. And now.. I've lost everything I've ever truly loved.. My heart feels.. broken.. and I know it will never mend. Only when I see them again will it even try to heal. It's been four days, and I've still got nothing to hold on to.

So all of you ladies, who've got children, or are going to have them... don't run away without them.. Just stay and be a mother, like you're supposed to. Be there for them. Watch them grow, know everything about them. If you do run away, go back to them, and don't try to take them away from everything they've known. Don't take them from their father, whom they've grown to love. Don't try to pull these, "He's an unfit parent. He doesn't watch them. He works too much. There's no one home in the day time to take care of them. He didn't hire a babysitter.." I wish I'd had witnesses.. I wish I did.. :\. But they all had to work, which proved something to the judge.. I'm not sure what.. but it did.. prove.. something..

- John

Anyway..

2004-06-19T16:01:23Z

As time goes by, I wonder why everything is changing. I wonder what it's going to be like in the future. I need to know these things so I can make it another day. I share my feelings of fortitude with everyone. I share my gratefulness in everything I do. I only talk when given the chance to speak. I'll speak my mind if you asked. I'll hold everything high, if you asked.. I'd give you my heart, if you could tell me why you needed it. If you were dying I'd take your breath away. If you needed me, I'd sure be there..
By your side.. I'd show you I could make everything alright..

his_energy @ 2004-06-19T01:53:00

2004-06-19T07:06:19Z

I really hate fake people.. and what they stand for. The things they say and pretend to be okay with everything. They just fucking sit there and lie, to get away with it all. I know there are many people who are with me when I say this..

In my heart, I knew Melanie and Leigh would eventually break up, and their `love` wouldn't last as long as I wanted it to so badly. But finding out that she was unhappy was the end of my hopes of them being together. Someone had to give, and it was her. I enjoyed that so much. She wasn't broken hearted, she was happy. Finally happy.. I have more to say but I'm far to tired to type it.

Adieu.

my first picture

2004-06-18T02:24:06Z

yeah, hi. im updating for the like millionth time today.
how exciting.
i cant believe how much i feel for her, i cant take the pain of know shes so far away. i know i cant have her, but i need her.. here.. to hold close.. <3

<3

heres to the silence i know life is taking me to

2004-06-17T23:21:35Z

i love the way you smile.
the way you smell.. the way you look at me when you're
unaware that im looking back. when you turn your head to
pretend you never looked at me. i love the times you use
your hands and toes to count the number of days we've been together. i hate the way, we've actually never even been together and the way i love you so much.. but could never possibly get the courage to tell you that i need you so. because it just so happens that you're in love with another. but my dear, you've always been in my heart. you've always been my heart you'll always be my heart.
i just know that one day maybe you'll understand, and we'll be together.. hand-in-hand.

another update.

2004-06-17T20:54:05Z

and even when my heart aches i still have you on mind. even when my tears never fade, i still have you on my mind.
i love you more and more each day. not a moment goes by that i dont know why i never found you sooner. not a minute passes i wonder why im not with you not a thing can do to take me away from thoughts of you. because you're my everything angel. i breathe you into my heart, and hope it never fades away. i breathe you in, baby. i can't make it leave. i need you in my heart, baby. i can't escape the feelings i have for you, baby. make it all change. be my wife. my loving angel. be my wife.

first update.. really.

2004-06-17T16:48:34Z

sometimes i think that the world is against me, and its then that i realize that i've got nothing to lose.
im in a black hole, where no one can see me. this is when i feel i've got nothing to lose. im not alone in this world, im not alone. i know where i am, and i who i want to be. im not willing to be scared of being myself.. of being someone else.. im just stranded in this no where, i've learned to love.. ive hidden for so long, im not afraid to be alone any longer. im not afraid. im not.

his_energy @ 2004-06-16T13:10:00

2004-06-16T18:10:42Z

I'm just testing.. will update in a bit..